Untangling the Web

Looking for things to occupy myself with while waiting for my coffee at my favorite cafe, I noticed a spider taking pieces of her damaged web balling them up between her spiny legs and casting them away. I have never seen a spider do this before, but it was fascinating. I was reminded of how we all do this from time to time. We take assessment of our lives, find things that are damaged or tattered, not useful to us anymore, and begin to clean up the mess. Balling parts of our damaged "webs" and casting them into the universe. Removing the traces of the damage and starting over fresh. Start anew. Leave nothing behind of the mess, it will only clutter the mind, clutter our already full lives with unnecessaries.


I will take heart in her lesson and begin taking assessment of my own life's damaged web and begin balling it up and throwing it away to free my mind and life, making room for the new. Liberation, by way of the spider.

"Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself."

Leo Tolstoy

Golden Handcuffs of Comfort and Wanderlust

The lust for comfort murders the passions of the soul.

-Khalil  Gibran

Comfort is nice, but the draw to do exciting new things has always pulled me in directions unknown. Whether this is good or bad matters not. What matters is living as much as possible. Putting too much off for a rainy day creates a habit stunting the adventurous life. Habits are easily formed and difficult to break- I try to avoid accidentally falling into habit of inactivity for comfort's sake. Safety and comfort, in moderation, are good, but without excitement and adventure, what is life but waiting for death?

Getting lost. Taking chances. These are the things that make my day worth the energy of getting out of bed. I try to fulfill my hopes and desires because I am only here once. This does not mean disregarding relationships, but what it does mean is making sure not to spend my time just watching others live. I want to feel the wind in my hair and the ground under my feet; to be passionate about things, to have opinions.

As a child, days lasted forever, but time is a fickle creature, it has the habit of passing faster than one realizes.I try not to wish my days away. They all pass so quickly. 

I find the word ‘expire’ very interesting; it is a word that relates to both breath (that which provides life) and death (the ceasing of life)- different sides of the same coin. No one knows when they will expire. My hope is that I expire without regret.

Masks and Reality Revealed

Leaving Our Masks Behind

Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.

 - Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

Who are we truly? Are we the person we present to others or are we hidden? Do we even know? When the masks come off do we feel liberated and embrace the other we only knew through the mask or do we shrink back into our protective shells, cursing ourselves from sharing what we did with a perfect stranger? 

 I do not know. Only time and experience can answer this question. 

This will be a laborious weekend for me as I ponder these issues and hold my breath... 

I wish you all an enjoyable Labor Day weekend and last days of summer for those who believe summer ends this weekend (even though summer lasts until the September 22nd when we are graced with the fall equinox... and my favorite time of the year!). 

Publish Post

Mirrors Visted, A Poem

I recently started reading Gaiman's "Smoke and Mirrors." The mystery and intrigue Gaiman inserts into his short stories brings me back to my childhood wonder about all that was then magical in the world. When dragons and unicorns could exist and peacefully live together with the other forest creatures. And Mommy Fortuna could capture them for her own wishes.

This quote inspired the poem that follows:

Mirrors are wonderful things. They appear to tell the truth, to reflect life back out at us; but set the mirror correctly and it will lie so convincingly you'll believe that something has vanished into thin air, that a box filled with doves and flags and spiders is actually empty, that people hidden in the wings or the pit are floating ghosts upon the stage. Angle it right and a mirror becomes a magic casement; it can show you anything you can imagine and maybe a few things you can't.

(Gaiman, Smoke and Mirrors)

Mirrors Visited


We do the dance opposite of one another,
Facing each other,
Turning the mirrors at 45 degree angles, changing reality
Producing the magic and telling the lies only magicians can tell.
We all do the dance and tell the lies and live and love and dance opposite of each other.
The music is secondary. The each other is tertiary.
It is only the mirrors that remain in first.
The mirrors, telling the lies.
The mirrors, living and loving and dancing opposite of each other.
Behind the mirrors exists nothing.
Ignore the emptiness just beyond.
Look into the mirrors see happiness.
Keep smiling into the mirrors, they will smile back.
The mirrors, telling the lies.
The mirrors, living and loving and dancing opposite of each other.
Even when we dance alone in front of the mirrors there are two.
No one is lonely in front of the mirrors.
We smile big smiles and bow to each other.
The mirrors, telling the lies.
The mirrors, living and loving and dancing opposite of each other.
A small candle glow becomes a bursting of light and the smile returns upon the lips of the reflection.
Step out of the mirror and dance the dance and smile the smile.
Twirl faster and faster and the light brightens and the smile widens
The mirrors, telling the lies.
The mirrors, living and loving and dancing opposite of each other.

(J Smith 2010)

A Trapped Fly

Yesterday, while waiting for a friend I was drawn to the predicament of a fly trapped in a storefront window. I believe the fly could see the place he sought to be, but he could not reach it. He desperately tried to free himself from his self inflicted prison, but no matter how hard he tried, he did not persevere. Instead, he just buzzed around, up and down the window, in search of the exit that did not, and could not, exist.


Rarely are we awakened to the fact that we are confined- confined by society, confined by our relationships, confined by our thoughts, confined by the limitations of our bodies. But when we become aware we are confined in one way or another, when we realize some "freedom" is just beyond reach, all our senses become heightened and panic may set in. Even if the confines are those we chose and those we want, once panic sets in, we cease thinking clearly and the ability to focus on the situation is lost. Often we start grasping at objects, thoughts and ideas to try and free ourselves from our entrapments without thinking through what it is we are trying to free ourselves from or if we really want "freedom" at all.

Watching the fly's dilemma brought to mind Jean-Paul Sartre's play No Exit, which glimpses into the world of hell. While Sartre's hell lacks the fire and brimstone facade, it provides a more frightening picture of a hell It brings to light and allows recognition of society's tearing away of freedom through objectification. Even when we are given the ability to leave, we tend not to for fear of what awaits us. (The devil we know…).
Has society robbed us of the wherewithal to implement a plan to free ourselves from whatever prison we have created or determine if the "prison" is one we want? Are we left desperately flittering about without knowing where to go, drowning in our own indecision? Following only the path that is set forth be it wrong or right?

Commercials, movies, advertisements etc. tell us the life we should have, the life we "want." But should we really want it? And, if so, why? I cannot say for certain, but I do believe group think is becoming much more prevalent. Even though life is never like the movies, why do we try to emulate it? The happy endings fed to us at the end of films cannot be replicated in real life- there is always something else that happens- we do not just get the girl. The girl becomes older, has thoughts and a life of her own, wants security, gets sick, etc. She does not remain perfect as she was at the end of the movie. Why do we allow ourselves to be drawn into this false reality and try to require society to behave within the confines of it?

Sartre says:

"L'enfer c'est les autres" (Hell is other people) (No Exit, Sartre)

Is hell other people? Is it our need to desperately be accepted and validated by those that surround us? Do we as a group hold each other down, force ourselves and others to conform- is that the purpose of society?

Or is it as Oscar Wilde claims:

“We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell”

Is hell our own insecurities?

Maybe it is both? Maybe we create our own "hell" and then force others to conform to a hellish society because we are the ones in control of it? How do you break out of the conformity one places on oneself and others- is it just safety in numbers that drives us?


I am not sure. Either way, we will all most likely continue to remain in step and make as few waves as possible to avoid shattering the "hellish" facade in which we exist. The shadows will remain on the wall and we will continue to believe they are our reality.

Amazing what a little fly can trigger.

What I Want to be...

Recently, I was discussing with a friend what I want to be "when I grow up." I realize that I am already a thirty-something and by now I should be well on that path already.

I have been working for more than half my life and "should" have an idea of what I want to do. My conundrum does not spring from lack of experience. I have worked in a dry cleaners, a newspaper subscription company, a fast food chain, a nursing home, a hospital, a pizza place, a night club, a clothing store, an insurance market, a couple animal hospitals, a department store, an industrial supply company, and a couple law firms (I may be missing a couple jobs here and there). Mind you, this drawn out list doesn't even include all the places I have volunteered. Still, here I am and I do not yet know where I belong.

When I was a child, I wanted to be a doctor and a ballerina- at the same time, of course. I know this because I proclaimed it at my kindergarten graduation- a recording of which remains to this day. (As does the dance routine that followed). The ballerina idea died almost as quickly as it surfaced, but the doctor idea held on until my first year of college.

I toyed with the idea of being a veterinarian, but nothing ever came of it. The switch from pre-med, psychology major, Italian language minor to philosophy major, psychology minor caused my parents some angst, but again, it did not lead me on any particular career path.

I loved philosophy for its enticing ability to provide an outlet to ponder the world and all its mysteries, but that is not a career- it is more something you do while hanging out with friends over a couple of beers. Rarely, if ever, do you see want ads for philosophers. I did the thing that most fresh out of college philosophy majors do with huge loans- I took a general office position with good benefits and dream of doing something else.

We often to fall into a job which we continue to do because our personal responsibilities increase and life continues on. My question is, what happens if those responsibilities disappear? What happens when you are no longer responsible for anyone but yourself?

Do you continue on the path you've already set or do you change gears and start over in a different direction? Does it matter that you have invested so many years in getting to where you are currently? If not, is there something stopping you from trying something different? Is it the fear of failure?

Andre Malraux said:

     Often the difference between a successful person and a failure is not one has
     better abilities or ideas, but the courage that one has to bet on one's ideas, to
     take a calculated risk - and to act."

Is failure really that bad? I have experienced my share of failure and I know it can sting, but is that enough not to try? I am not so sure. To really love the life one leads does it require taking chances? I am going to say yes, it does. Chances for happiness, chances to find a passion that drives you. Does that make for a successful life? Again, I would say yes- maybe not in the conventional sense, but for you yourself, as a person.

I have been content with my life thus far, with all its ups and downs. But when faced with change not of your own making, do you wallow in it or do you grasp it and allow it to expand your horizons? Do you allow it catapult you into a new space, to color your dreams and reinvigorate your wanderlust? I just don't know...

...or is this the pondering of a bourgeois armchair philosopher with too much time on her hands? Possibly.

A Bird in the Hand...

Quick quote for the day:

"We tend to forget that happiness doesn’t come as a result of getting something we don’t have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have."
(F. Keonig)


Instead of running away from what you have, focus more fully and search for the beauty within. It may be a long road, but recovering what is hidden can be more gratifying than finding something new because it is already yours.

This is true when looking at oneself. We all have special gifts and talents. We all have unique lives. No one can determine that one life is better than another because an outsider is never privy to all the aspects of another's life or another's relationships. We can only see what is shared in the open. What is shared is usually only a faded glimpse of what lies beneath the surface. In practice, I try to appreciate my own talents, my own gifts, my own relationships and my own life with all its strengths, weaknesses and idiosyncrasies. The combination of these specific elements make for a unique experience, all my own.

I think this is true with love as well. You may be surprised at the endless layers each person has within. Rediscover each other again and again.  Since we can never know any one person completely, doesn't it make sense to try and learn the person we love most as fully and completely as we can?  Does it not lead us to a more meaningful life with that person? We celebrate long lives and long relationships because we understand how precious they are.

One of the songs that I believe reflects this idea in relation to relationships is Somebody (Depeche Mode).

I recall my father-in-law recounting how pleased he was to see an elderly couple holding hands and nuzzling on the metro one afternoon. It is this road of happy discovery that I choose for me and my life. I hope you do the same.

Have a joyful journey.

Break Our Necks for Home

Currently, I am reading Holy the Firm, a beautiful, very short book which provides reflections of a daily life. It is an engaging book and, although short, really provides a nice place to leap into your own mess of thoughts, your own reflections. I am not what some would call religious, maybe spiritual, but not religious, that being said, I still find this book to be an inspiration.

Here is a quote that I found most wonderful:

And then, when we wake to the deep shores of time uncreated, then when the dazzling dark breaks over the far slopes of time, then it's time to toss things, like our reason, and our will; then it's time to break our necks for home.

There are no events but thoughts and the heart's hard turning, the heart's slow learning where to love and whom. The rest is merely gossip, and tales for other times

(Annie Dilliard, Holy the Firm)

My wish for each and every one of you is to find what you are looking for in life, to find the meaning you seek. I know I am searching and, regardless of what I find, I will be happy.

Have a lovely weekend all!

Words

When we talk about ourselves, about others, or simply about things, we want-it could be said- to reveal ourselves in our words: We want to show what we think and feel. We let others have a glimpse into our soul... But maybe this is absolutely false? A self-deception? For not only do we reveal ourselves with our words, we also betray ourselves. We give away a lot more than we wanted to reveal, and sometimes it's the exact opposite. And the others can interpret our words as symptoms for something we ourselves may not even know.

(Mercier, Night Train to Lisbon)

Sharing words spoken or written is such a pleasure. Communication with another is very important. Without such we miss the challenge of trying to understand another. Without words we miss the fulfillment of sharing our thoughts and dreams with another.

That being said, I have always been of the mindset that one should listen with both their ears and their eyes. Body language shares so much more than just the spoken word. The look, the smile, the tensing of muscles all give a window into the others soul. Without the gestures, words can be seen as empty. It is easy to misunderstand. How often does one read an e-mail and become angry at the written words only to find out that the tone was not intended?

Have a wonderful weekend. Share some words with a loved one. I hope to do the same.

The lens in which we see ourselves

"When you have discovered disappointment as the guide to yourself, you will be eager to learn how much you are disappointed about yourself: about the lack of courage and inadequate honesty, or about the horribly narrow borders drawn by your own feelings, acts, and sayings. What was it we expected and hoped from ourselves? That we are boundless, or quite different than we are?"

(Mercier- Night Train to Lisbon)

Beautifully put sentiment. We are who we choose to be and with what lens we want to see ourselves. No one can change us, only we can change ourselves.

When we look in the mirror-we should remember that we created the person looking back at us. Each action/reaction taken by us shapes our lives, our person. If one is not happy with one's self, it is up to that individual to change it. No one else can change the person we are- all another can do is allow us to bask in his/her light. If one's soul is black, the light of another will not be reflected. Instead, the other will absorb the light until there is nothing left to take and then will return to his/her previous state of being. I would rather share my own radiance than bask in another's without having the ability to share mine in return.

Love is Blind

We always deceive ourselves twice about the people we love - first to their advantage, then to their disadvantage. -- Albert Camus

Is love truly blind? ...or is true love that in which all the faults of your counterpart are revealed and you still love them? I believe the latter. When we love blindly, we are loving the idea of the other person, not the person. If you love the person you are less likely to be disappointed... we are all human and with that, falliable.

Love like your life depends on it.

Wise words...

"I hate women because they always know where things are."


Voltaire

I have to laugh at this quote. It reminds me of my life with my husband.